Long time no see. What have I been up to? Well… Stressing.
I’ve been busy with finals. This semester I’ve had 3 exams so far – 1 more to go. Also, I’ve had a couple of performances with my music and been working on YouTube-related things. There has been a lot happening.
It’s weird. I thought there was so much time for me to study for finals. But suddenly they were here. I have felt guilt most of time, considering I haven’t read as much as I should. I think one of the exams went pretty well, but the rest…? They are more math-related subjects, and not something you can learn in 2 weeks. I’ve gone to most of the lectures, but the teachers usually go through “what you were supposed to already have read in your textbooks and done related tasks to”. So I guess that didn’t help much…
Ever since around December-time, I’ve gone back and forth in my head. I didn’t want the same things as I’ve wanted before. The goals I created as a 16 year old, had a slightly different direction now. It scared me a little, at the same time I was excited. You can change a lot in 3 years, especially between 16 and 19. But I was confused. What did I really want then? I questioned (still kinda question) my goals, work, environment, friends, boys, family, school, my music…
I’ve had my moments through this semester. But yesterday my body and mind told me they had enough. I was stressing to make it in time for dinner with my parents, and at the same time I was stressing in my head because I felt like I hadn’t read enough for my finance exam that day. And the fact that I still haven’t cracked that code for how to understand the subject really in depth.
I sat on the tram. My phone and all social media related things distracted me. I forgot to leave the tram at the right station. When I found out I stressed out even more. When we made it to the next station, I knew I needed to run to make the bus. I usually always run to make public transportation in time… But this time, I couldn’t. It was like my thoughts and feelings all weighted me down. It felt super heavy. I felt something weird happening to my body. “Maybe I should go home”, I thought. But then I realized I kinda had already ordered my dinner over the phone, so I felt like I had to keep going. And I actually made the bus in time…
But I felt a sting of regret as I sat down on the bus. My breathing quickened and started to become a bit heavier, and I was super scared to cry on the bus. “It’s OK”, I told myself. “It’s OK”. And the breathing started slowing down.
I arrived at the right station, and entered the restaurant a minute later. I said hi to my parents and sat down. They asked me how things were going, and then it didn’t take 5 seconds before I broke down. And I hate crying in public.
So… After that little breakdown, I’ve already done some changes. First of all, I’m already on a social media detox. The amount of time I spend on social media is something I’ve found is not healthy. Constantly checking for updates, the need to update everyone else on what you are doing, conversations that lasts too long so you forget what you were REALLY supposed to at that time, comparing yourself to people who seem to have the perfect life etc. The list is long. I announced on Snapchat and Insta that I needed a little break for a couple of days.
Second of all: PRIORITIZING. I think I’ve actually already become better at this before the little incident yesterday. I’ve become better at saying no to things if I don’t feel like it’s giving me that much of a value for the direction I want to go in, and saying no to people who I don’t really feel like give me that much energy. But I definitely need to prioritize school more. I already skipped a birthday party today that I was really looking forward to, to spend the time preparing for finance. Not sure whether I’m going to an event and dinner with the colleagues tomorrow night, but if I’m effective with my studying, I might.
So those two are the most important ones. Luckily, the breakdown didn’t make me feel like I needed a break from school or anything like that. I’m actually more motivated. I’ve read a lot of news within economy, and had a “study videos” marathon on YouTube. studyign, Study With Jess and Ana Mascara are some of my favorites so far! Oh, and I also found out about Doctor Mike and his channel yesterday. For those of you who already knows who he is… I don’t need to say anything more ❤
So, guys. Learn from my experience! Don’t stress yourself out. Don’t stress over your future – it’s OK to be confused, and not know what do yet. And definitely, do NOT start studying like crazy 2 weeks before finals. Effing start early. 🙂 I think I’m already going to read this summer and be prepared for the next semester… Bring it on.