Here’s a funny thing.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about it.
The reason why everything have felt so effing hard is because of thoughts. There was really not much of external problems. It was my mind.
And so while I try to learn this new thing called “Don’t judge yourself”, I feel the need to judge myself a little bit for this. For me overthinking from the lava in the middle of the earth out to the next galaxy.
I miss the younger me. I was a much cooler kid when I was younger. I didn’t ask much for permission: whether it was society or people close to me. I didn’t ask so many confusing, deep questions about everything. I just did things. I didn’t care if I was good at it, if it was “meant to be” or anything. I just lived life.
So that’s one part of adulting that really has had me fooled: Trying to overcomplicate shit and be so “smart” and “reflective” over everything and making sure perfectionism has had it’s peak of it’s own.
I was excited about the future – not stressed about it. I didn’t stress about tests. I didn’t think about what path would lead to what. I just went ahead and did things.
I think for the past 2 years I’ve had more of a mess in my mind that I’ve had all through my teenager years. Yes. I was a pretty stable teenager. It’s as if puberty hit me mentally in my late teens/early 20’s.
I really don’t need to read any more motivational or inspirational books. Today I bought “The Power Of Now”. It’s supposed to give you insight into how not identify yourself with your thoughts, and become more aware of the present. To live in the present. All there is now is now. Not the future. Not the past.
When I study I get worried about my grades. And then my degree. And then my future. Fuck.
When I work on a project I would rather give into procrastination, I ask myself “Is this taking me towards my goal? Am I going to be happy with this when I’m 40?”
Sometimes, it can be nice to take a minute and reflect over certain things. To have some sort of goal or direction.
But if you’re going to live your life based on the future every single fucking second, you’re never going to enjoy the present. Because one day, the future will become present. And you won’t be able to focus. And the results will just get shittier in the future than if you actually focused on what you had in front of you right now. If you plan everything and are always going to make sure you’re always following what you had “planned”, you’ll never leave room for the exciting, hidden, uncertain things that are just waiting to give you a even better surprise.
So cheers: Here’s to the present.